Happy Thanksgiving.

Woke up at 5AM-ish to something that made me grumpy. Sat up for an hour just staring at the wall. Blah.

Martin called at almost noon to say Happy Thanksgiving and that he had a huge lunch five minutes prior to calling me. I'm glad he at least got some yummy food today over there. He's still in the holding dorm, his paper work is all done hes just waiting to go home. I hate that he's so far away and I hate that I cant talk to him whenever I want today. Our first Thanksgiving apart in the last 5 years. Sucks.

He told me he's thankful for me. And I just broke down. I tried not to the entire phone call and I just couldnt help it. I just really wish he was home already. He sounded so concerned when I started crying and it just made me sadder, I want a huge hug so bad right now. He tried to cheer me up before the pay phone cut him off, he tried to get me to sing For Good. Silly butt. I miss him so much.

Thanksgiving has never really been my favorite holiday. Its pretty chill around here. Nothing big. I think I'll spend today cleaning my room and reading some of my book. Maybe take a nap since I woke up so early this morning, blah.

Havent decided if I'm going to do the Black Friday thing this year. I'm glad they offer sales online though. Target is having a deal on the One Tree Hill season 6 DVD for $12! But its not worth waking up at 4AM for. There isnt anything huge I want this year. I just got a new digi cam last week. Only thing I really want is Wicked tickets or a Mac Book Pro. But I'm a bit hesitant to spend money this year since a bunch of money went to the wedding. Blah. Oh well, I dont really need anything. Well, besides a memory card for my new camera but that's nothing worth waking up at 4AM for either.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Favors, Invites & Decor. DONE!

The rest of the favors shipped earlier this week. I havent had a chance to take pictures of anything just yet, but I will soon! The bubbles with the ribbons turned out nice and the favors turned out really pretty too. The invites were sent out yesterday and we finished putting together the table decor the day before. I think it looks fine, but we'll have to see what kind of table they're giving us as well and hope its a long table cause that's what the decors are set up for. I'm happy with how everything turned out.

Now just waiting on my dress and gotta find Martin a tux. Also gotta put down the deposit for both the chapel and the reception area. And we're all set :)

He's getting discharged.

So I should had wrote about this when it happened but I just wasnt in the mood to talk. Dang, now I have to start from the beginning.

So on the 18th, I was suppose to see Wicked with my sister-in-law and I woke up with an ulcer. I thought I just had to poop (you know how sometimes that m

akes your stomach hurt) but it wasnt that. Then it hit me, it was an ulcer. I took some Tums (even though that doesnt help it but hey, I had hopes) and tried to tough it out cause I already paid $120 for these tickets the week before. So I drove to the Ferry Building and I can not tell you how painful the drive was. So we park and I already know I cant walk. And it was 10AM, the show wasnt until 2PM and I knew I was going to be in an insane amount of pain if I were to walk around SF. Which sucks cause I had plans to go places before the show. So I was really really sad. And Marissa was being super understanding, so thank goodness for that.

I called my dad and told him I wasnt able to drive home so he had to come get us. So he came to drive us home and got me some Won Ton Soup on the way home.

I get home and the soup did make me feel a bit better and I went to lay down and Marissa went to finish hot glue gunning the favors together (her and Martin dont let me near hot glue guns, grrr). Around 12PM my stomach started to feel better. I know, right? It would. Anyway, I went to look up designs for my hair and wedding cake. At 2PM I took this picture:

My phone says 2:02PM. I had a count down going. Marissa had to cover my eyes at 2PM lol! So we did what any sane people who missed Wicked did.

We played the soundtrack.

HAHA!

Probably not the best idea, but hey. It made us feel like we were there. Kinda.

Anyway, eventually I took a nap. When the ulcer fades I get a slight headache and chills. I was coming down with a fever and I was telling Marissa I was having chills so she took off her sweater and put it over me and its one of those thick wool type wrap things and OMG it wasso warm that I instantly fell asleep.

Marissa woke me up cause my phone was ringing and you know how instantly you kinda justwake up when your phone goes off? Yeah. So I got up and no one said shit on the other line so I hung up and called the number back, no answer. So I got up to go pee and the phone rings and its Martin so I go back to the room and hes like "did you call me back?" and I was like "uh... maybe" lol!

But he called and he was like "I have bad news, I'm being discharged..." he sounded really sad and disappointed and I tried making him feel better. I know he felt defeated and I know how bad he wanted this, he was explaining to me why they were discharging him and they transfered him and he'll be home soon and to tell his family. I told him Marissa was there taking care of me. We called both of our mom's when I got off the phone with him.

I spent all yesterday moping around. Someone told me that the tendon actually takes only 3 weeks to heal and my mom (who's an RN) confirmed this so I thought there would still be hope and that he can come back in 6 months, not 2 years like they told him.

So he called me this morning (at like freakin 7:30AM, wth), again with the instantly waking up lol! I told him the good news but he said that since hes flat footed, and with this tendon, its reoccurring. Its not usually a chronic problem, but for him it is. He said they cant discharge him for flat feet and they cant discharge him for his tendon but since he has both they have to. And that it would take him more than six months to fix it. =( I tried. I asked him if he still wanted to get married and he was like "yes, I do" he sounded a little sad, I just wanted to make sure. I told him I talked to my mom last night and she said it was alright with her. He said he'd be home soon, hopefully before or after Thanksgiving.

We got to talk for 25 minutes and it felt like forever, it was kinda nice. He was laughing a lot more, so that made me happy. He was talking about his uniform and how he took his flight pictures already with his blues and his camos. And he said he was wearing his camos while he was talking to me and I was like "this is so unfair I wanted to see you in your camos" and he was like "yeah, I know, and to be honest I dont look bad in them" BITCH hahaha. I asked about his name tag and he was telling me he had some and he was like "I'm hella touching my uniform and pointing at it like you can see me" haha. But he has to return his blues and his camos. I asked him to ask if you can keep the hat. Cause I want his hat. And his name tag. I'm a sucker for military uniforms, but just certain pieces lol!

I was like "oh hey thanks for taking us to Todai last week" and he was like "you're.... I did what?" and he started laughing he was like "how do you just tell me that" hahaah! Hey, I have a problem with lying okay? Geez. And I was telling him how Marissa is harder on me than he is when it comes to spending money and a bunch of other things. It wasnt as sad as our usual conversations are, which was nice. He was like "I got your letter yesterday and how you were saying I'll do good and I was like aw fuck" haha!!

I miss him so much, I can not wait for him to come home even if it means he didnt graduate. We're still getting married, even if it means living away from each other... at home... with our parents... lol. We'll figure something out, we always do. Well hey, at least now I can move to Washington like I wanted right? lol. LETS HOPE.

He's still my Airman and I'm still so very proud of him. He'll get it right eventually and when he does, I'll be there besides him. My parents are for him trying again once he heals up too. And that makes me happy. Our lives are hard and we have a ton of bad luck, but we're so lucky to have such supportive families and people in our lives. Life may suck, but the people who pull you back up when you're down make life that much more brighter.

:D

Felt like dropping by, I havent really updated on much cause there really isnt much to update on.

The wedding planning is going good, pretty much done. Gotta send out the invitations, put down the deposit for the chapel, waiting on the favors to get here, the ribbons and my dress. And that's pretty much it.

Havent heard from Martin much the last week, I got one letter from him. I'm assuming things are busy over there. Hopefully he gets to spend Thanksgiving with his family, that would be nice.

That's pretty much all, I'm getting a little more use to him not being around. A little too use to it. Haha, I'm sure when he comes home thats going to be weird. But I am thinking about him all the time. Some things are starting to slip my mind, like nicknames and things like that. I'm sure when I see him everything will come back to me.

I already booked everything for his graduation. I hate how he's hours away from me via plane. I hate taking the plane longer than an hour. Might want to get that ear thing checked soon... yeah.

A few more weeks til I see him! I'm excited and nervous at the same time =)

Misery is the best inspiration.

And he loves me so. Takes me where you never took me, although you tried to. His eyes they read so true. So different from the way it was with you...

I dont dwell on my past half as much as I use to, in fact a lot of my past is a blur. But certain songs still bring up certain people, certain days, certain feelings. And sometimes, its a refreshing blast of memories. Like on a cold November night like this one.

In every life there will be one great love and one unforgettable heart break.

November was never a good month for me, majority of my break ups happen in November. My "unforgettable heart break" happened in November. I can deny you all I want, but no one hurt me as much as you did. And I cant figure out why, besides that I was young and stupid. You were a pretty decent boyfriend, a push over but decent. But everyone needs to feel the pain you gave me, its a big part of who made me who I am today. And I happen to like who I am today.

Moving on... I'm getting married. Wow. Me. Getting married. Never would had thought. Sure we've been together for almost six years (wow, six years, really?) but I just never really saw us getting married. I'm a lot like Ben Affleck in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days". I figure we're happy, why ruin it by getting married. And sure, I still think that. But a small itty bitty part of me is actually kinda excited. Shh, dont tell Martin I said that. I always thought that once you get married, or engaged, the past kinda just... disappears. You dont think of the past or what-could-had-been or why-did-that-end. Why I thought that is beyond me.

I guess I'm lucky. I'm lucky because my fiance is my best of all best friends. Literally. We talk about my exes, we talk about his exes, we try to figure out why our past relationships failed. We have real conversations about things like that. He knows how I feel about all of my exes, he knows the ones I wish I was still friends with or the ones hurt me. And he does what I always wished someone would do with that information. He uses to know who I am and how I am. Not against me, but as a better understanding of how I react to things. I'm lucky because in the last six years, he was able to figure who I had a crush on. At work, at school, to him it was so obvious. And he'd pick on me, not in a jealous boyfriend way but in a ooh-I'm-telling-him-you-like-him way. And sometimes between us, its just so easy to forget we're together. Because the majority of the time, we dont feel like that. We feel like two best friends hanging out.

Words can not express how lucky and blessed and happy I am to have him. To have someone who's just like me. Who sacrifices just to see a smile on their face. To spoil me with hugs and kisses and my favorite food "just because". Who accepts every part of me, and who is completely in love with the tomboy side of me. Someone who'll watch me put on lipstick, wipe it off with his finger, kiss me and whisper "you dont need it". Someone who makes me feel so damn alive. He wont ask why I'm crying if I dont feel like telling him but he'll hug the hell out of me until I'm spent, tuck me in bed and kiss me on the forehead and tell me to sleep it off.

I think back to exes and memories and the crazy fucked up crap you go through with them in high school and relationships that ended far too soon. And the boys I miss. And I look at him and I'm glad those relationship ended. I'm glad for all the fucked up crazy shit I went through. I'm glad I got kicked out school. I'm glad I had to repeat senior year. I'm so glad. I'm so glad to be here, with him. With this ring on my finger. With that ring on his.

I love you. I love you a million times. In a million different lifetimes. I've always loved you. I will always love you. My dope friend. My best friend. My babemerding. A million thank yous. For just being you <3.

A few weeks left, but it feels like forever.

I want to be back in your arms already. I miss your face. I miss your chin hair scratching the hell out of my face when you kiss me. I miss your dimples and your smile. I miss laying my head on your shoulder and inhaling your scent. I miss your soft squishy wet kisses. I miss your sweet sweat and how it makes my mouth water to the point where I just have to bite you. I miss how you never mind that. I miss you sticking your knuckle in my mouth for me to bite on when I have road rage, or when I'm hungry. I miss when I bite too hard and you say "ow" and pull your hand away and make that scared face. I miss making faces at you all day. I miss your warm hugs and holding your hand. I miss you rubbing my face when I'm stressed out. I miss your forehead kisses. I miss your encouraging hand squeezes.

I miss you holding the door open in women's restrooms and watching me cause you know the hand dryer scares me. I miss you pulling me away from things you know I dont need to buy. I miss sharing Hazelnut Toffee Mocha's from Seattles Best with you. I miss sharing soup and soda with you at Panera Bread. I miss sending you millions of Wicked videos from YouTube and watching them with you. I miss singing to Wicked with you. I miss singing with you in general. I miss your good morning phone calls and the songs you sing me while I'm waking up. I miss your cheerful "Hi baby!" when I pick up the phone. I miss you falling asleep on AIM while I'm still talking. I miss you playing your PSP way too loud in the car. I miss you driving me around. I miss how you always have to hold my hand while you drive.

I hate that we've been apart from each other for this long. I hate how far you are from me. I hate the days I walk in my room and smell you. I hate the times I bite my lip and taste your kiss. I hate getting in my car knowing you wont be joining me soon and I wont be getting a "good morning baby" hug.

I want to wrap myself in you and just sleep. I want the the its-just-you-and-me-here feeling again. I want you home. I want you here with me, right now. I want you to never leave me again.

I miss you so much and I try so hard to push it away and to just forget about it. I drown myself in "work" so avoid thinking about how you're not here today or tomorrow or next week. I'm constantly moving cause being idle reminds me I cant pick up the phone and call you about my new idea's or accomplishments or projects. I'm so set on doing something to make you proud when I see you again. And I've got a lot of things I'm working on, and yet none of them make me feel proud. I'm excited for some of them, but I just really wish you were here to work on them with me. Like you always do.

It feels like we've been apart forever. It feels like I wont see you for another forever. Its just a few more weeks, we're half way done. I cant wait until you come home. I cant wait until I get to show you my projects and I cant wait to show you your surprise gift. I hope you like it. And I hope you like my new projects, its not jewelry but I think you'd be happy to know I'm working on something I've always had a passion for over something I just started.

I know its hard for you to push yourself without me. I know its hard for you to keep your head on right without me with you. Its hard for both of us, but you're pushing yourself as far as you can and I havent been, and I should. Its not fair for you to and for me to sit here and mope. So the next few weeks, I'll be pushing myself as hard as you're pushing yourself.

I cant wait to see you again.

Earlyyy phone call!

I got several phone calls from Martin this morning to contact our teachers for him. He woke me up at 8:15AM, I was unaware of the time... just happy he called. So I grabbed the numbers and contacted them. Fell back to sleep and he called again, I gave him the info. We talked for a little bit. He's sick with flu-like symptoms :( told him about the sponsorship he said he called his dad prior to calling me and he told him. Its good he called his parents :) and... I dont remember what else. Went back to sleep. He called me again to ask for their more information, so I called the school again and gave him the information. Asked if Marissa was suppose to wear a dress or a tux for the wedding. He said it was up to her. If she wants to wear a dress she can. Went back to sleep. He called again for something, I dont remember at this point lol!

Finally just got up and I was working on my Wicked site and he called again just to say thank you really quick (people were waiting to use the phone so I guess they got to call home today). I told him my page rates went up and he cracked saying that he was proud of me :) my poor baber! I told him to be good and good luck on his test and he'll be fine, to just let his shin heal and not hurt himself. I'd rather he be fully healed before he does his test then test himself before his test and hurt himself again. He told me to tell Boq he loves him, I thought that was cute. I told him he's gonna have to come home and tame him cause he's super jumpy.

Then he called again after saying that the last call was going to be his last call lol. I have two first names and he didnt know if there was a space, hyphen or if it was just one word. I was a little offended, but then I realized that I never really write it out, and when he does see it (like on my email) its usually one word. Which its not, there's a space between them. I gave him a big kiss over the phone and he laughed. I'm glad I got him to smile, I tried to sound super cheerful for him.

I miss him so much. And if I miss him this much, I wonder how much he misses me. Its easier for me because I'm still at home where its familiar where as he's not. I try to send him as many kisses over the phone or on my letters as I can. Even if I just kiss the paper and I draw an arrow saying "I kissed it right there for you" lol. Whatever works, right?!

Just a few more weeks left. I cant believe we're half way done! Time flew by. The next few weeks (starting next week) is going to be super busy. So I need to get a lot done this week (mostly cleaning cause this room is in serious need of being cleaned). And updating my blogs so I have a few days to walk away from it and get other things done.

And nowwwwww.... back to work!