:(

He was suppose to be graduating today. I was suppose to fly out yesterday. I'm suppose to be in Texas right now... but he's not and I'm not.

I know its kinda silly, but I cant help but feel a little sad that I wont be seeing him graduate today.

To flight ***, congratulations.

He's home! He's home!

Martin came home last week! I know, I've been super MIA since he's been home!

He's been falling asleep a lot lately lol. He's suppose to graduate in 3 days, I'm suppose to be flying out in 2 days. It sucks how close he was to finishing Basic Training. But I am extremely happy he's home!

He had to return all his uniforms, boo! I'll never get to see him in his ABU's or his Blues :( but he got to bring back his ABU hat's so he gave me one. I'm a sucker for ABU's, especially their hats! So imagine how excited I was lol.

Our wedding coordinator emailed me the other day and called me yesterday morning. Martin and I went through the last bits of the ceremony details that she sent us. So I'm gonna have to call her today with what we decided on. The hard part is dealing with the plane tickets. Since its close to our leave date the prices went up (from $98 to $124, wtf!) and adding an extra $160-something for an extra night at the hotel. We obviously cant participate in any promo's any one offers cause the majority of our nights staying at the hotel is covered by the wedding package. Boo.

Oh and Martin said he wont walk down the isle and that I have to :(

Less than 23 days left. I'm getting extremely nervous. Like you wouldnt believe, nervous!

My dress is suppose to be coming in this week, and the wedding bands are coming in within the next week and a half. I have to set things up for the reception and figure out what I'm going to do with my hair.

Waiting game!

I was planning on posting pictures, but I havent had time to take pictures of the favors... and my mom moved them and I just found them in a completely different room the other day. How random, ugh.



The mess that's the wedding invites. We stayed up til 1AM writing out "more info" cards to put in the invitations and folding and putting everything in their envelopes. They gave me extra invitations but no extra envelopes. How does that make sense?! You can spot the light blue snowflake soap favor in there somewhere. I got light blue, white and matte navy blue ones. Oh and Boq's cage, he was keeping us company! Dont mind my sister in law, she was on my sidekick talking to a boy. Ahem lol.

My dress should be here next week, I'm so excited to see it! I'm going to try it on with my shoes, lets hope I'm able to walk in my shoes lol. If not, I might just have to search for white flats... why dont they make flats in white?! I'm waiting on a few more soaps to get here. The numbers were off somehow. Also waiting on an email back from the chapel. I tried to fax in the payment on Friday and it kept telling me the server was busy. I hope she responds to me soon! I dont want to lose my hold!

I need to set my cake design to the reception area and I need to figure out a hair style!

Did I mention at this point I'm extremely nervous? I'm twenty nine days away from my wedding date. I brought up having him walk down the isle instead of me and he decline. Darn! I dont want to do this. I dont want to imagine how nervous I'll be. I know its not a big deal, but I just... ugh. I hate attention!!!

I'm a little sad my wedding blog isnt as epic or as pretty as other peoples, I know... silly right? Hehe. Sorry! Its just a huge once in a lifetime thing and I wish I felt like I was doing everything right, but there isnt much to plan or much to expect. I dont have many friends. In fact I have a bunch of invitations left over. I got 2 RSPV's back and they both arent able to make it. I honestly wouldnt even care if it was just our parents and a friend or two. I think I'd be less nervous if that happened instead of a bunch of family showing up.

Still waiting on him to come home. They pushed him back all last week. They're supposedly sending 24 people home tomorrow, lets hope he's one of them.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Woke up at 5AM-ish to something that made me grumpy. Sat up for an hour just staring at the wall. Blah.

Martin called at almost noon to say Happy Thanksgiving and that he had a huge lunch five minutes prior to calling me. I'm glad he at least got some yummy food today over there. He's still in the holding dorm, his paper work is all done hes just waiting to go home. I hate that he's so far away and I hate that I cant talk to him whenever I want today. Our first Thanksgiving apart in the last 5 years. Sucks.

He told me he's thankful for me. And I just broke down. I tried not to the entire phone call and I just couldnt help it. I just really wish he was home already. He sounded so concerned when I started crying and it just made me sadder, I want a huge hug so bad right now. He tried to cheer me up before the pay phone cut him off, he tried to get me to sing For Good. Silly butt. I miss him so much.

Thanksgiving has never really been my favorite holiday. Its pretty chill around here. Nothing big. I think I'll spend today cleaning my room and reading some of my book. Maybe take a nap since I woke up so early this morning, blah.

Havent decided if I'm going to do the Black Friday thing this year. I'm glad they offer sales online though. Target is having a deal on the One Tree Hill season 6 DVD for $12! But its not worth waking up at 4AM for. There isnt anything huge I want this year. I just got a new digi cam last week. Only thing I really want is Wicked tickets or a Mac Book Pro. But I'm a bit hesitant to spend money this year since a bunch of money went to the wedding. Blah. Oh well, I dont really need anything. Well, besides a memory card for my new camera but that's nothing worth waking up at 4AM for either.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

He's getting discharged.

So I should had wrote about this when it happened but I just wasnt in the mood to talk. Dang, now I have to start from the beginning.

So on the 18th, I was suppose to see Wicked with my sister-in-law and I woke up with an ulcer. I thought I just had to poop (you know how sometimes that m

akes your stomach hurt) but it wasnt that. Then it hit me, it was an ulcer. I took some Tums (even though that doesnt help it but hey, I had hopes) and tried to tough it out cause I already paid $120 for these tickets the week before. So I drove to the Ferry Building and I can not tell you how painful the drive was. So we park and I already know I cant walk. And it was 10AM, the show wasnt until 2PM and I knew I was going to be in an insane amount of pain if I were to walk around SF. Which sucks cause I had plans to go places before the show. So I was really really sad. And Marissa was being super understanding, so thank goodness for that.

I called my dad and told him I wasnt able to drive home so he had to come get us. So he came to drive us home and got me some Won Ton Soup on the way home.

I get home and the soup did make me feel a bit better and I went to lay down and Marissa went to finish hot glue gunning the favors together (her and Martin dont let me near hot glue guns, grrr). Around 12PM my stomach started to feel better. I know, right? It would. Anyway, I went to look up designs for my hair and wedding cake. At 2PM I took this picture:

My phone says 2:02PM. I had a count down going. Marissa had to cover my eyes at 2PM lol! So we did what any sane people who missed Wicked did.

We played the soundtrack.

HAHA!

Probably not the best idea, but hey. It made us feel like we were there. Kinda.

Anyway, eventually I took a nap. When the ulcer fades I get a slight headache and chills. I was coming down with a fever and I was telling Marissa I was having chills so she took off her sweater and put it over me and its one of those thick wool type wrap things and OMG it wasso warm that I instantly fell asleep.

Marissa woke me up cause my phone was ringing and you know how instantly you kinda justwake up when your phone goes off? Yeah. So I got up and no one said shit on the other line so I hung up and called the number back, no answer. So I got up to go pee and the phone rings and its Martin so I go back to the room and hes like "did you call me back?" and I was like "uh... maybe" lol!

But he called and he was like "I have bad news, I'm being discharged..." he sounded really sad and disappointed and I tried making him feel better. I know he felt defeated and I know how bad he wanted this, he was explaining to me why they were discharging him and they transfered him and he'll be home soon and to tell his family. I told him Marissa was there taking care of me. We called both of our mom's when I got off the phone with him.

I spent all yesterday moping around. Someone told me that the tendon actually takes only 3 weeks to heal and my mom (who's an RN) confirmed this so I thought there would still be hope and that he can come back in 6 months, not 2 years like they told him.

So he called me this morning (at like freakin 7:30AM, wth), again with the instantly waking up lol! I told him the good news but he said that since hes flat footed, and with this tendon, its reoccurring. Its not usually a chronic problem, but for him it is. He said they cant discharge him for flat feet and they cant discharge him for his tendon but since he has both they have to. And that it would take him more than six months to fix it. =( I tried. I asked him if he still wanted to get married and he was like "yes, I do" he sounded a little sad, I just wanted to make sure. I told him I talked to my mom last night and she said it was alright with her. He said he'd be home soon, hopefully before or after Thanksgiving.

We got to talk for 25 minutes and it felt like forever, it was kinda nice. He was laughing a lot more, so that made me happy. He was talking about his uniform and how he took his flight pictures already with his blues and his camos. And he said he was wearing his camos while he was talking to me and I was like "this is so unfair I wanted to see you in your camos" and he was like "yeah, I know, and to be honest I dont look bad in them" BITCH hahaha. I asked about his name tag and he was telling me he had some and he was like "I'm hella touching my uniform and pointing at it like you can see me" haha. But he has to return his blues and his camos. I asked him to ask if you can keep the hat. Cause I want his hat. And his name tag. I'm a sucker for military uniforms, but just certain pieces lol!

I was like "oh hey thanks for taking us to Todai last week" and he was like "you're.... I did what?" and he started laughing he was like "how do you just tell me that" hahaah! Hey, I have a problem with lying okay? Geez. And I was telling him how Marissa is harder on me than he is when it comes to spending money and a bunch of other things. It wasnt as sad as our usual conversations are, which was nice. He was like "I got your letter yesterday and how you were saying I'll do good and I was like aw fuck" haha!!

I miss him so much, I can not wait for him to come home even if it means he didnt graduate. We're still getting married, even if it means living away from each other... at home... with our parents... lol. We'll figure something out, we always do. Well hey, at least now I can move to Washington like I wanted right? lol. LETS HOPE.

He's still my Airman and I'm still so very proud of him. He'll get it right eventually and when he does, I'll be there besides him. My parents are for him trying again once he heals up too. And that makes me happy. Our lives are hard and we have a ton of bad luck, but we're so lucky to have such supportive families and people in our lives. Life may suck, but the people who pull you back up when you're down make life that much more brighter.

A few weeks left, but it feels like forever.

I want to be back in your arms already. I miss your face. I miss your chin hair scratching the hell out of my face when you kiss me. I miss your dimples and your smile. I miss laying my head on your shoulder and inhaling your scent. I miss your soft squishy wet kisses. I miss your sweet sweat and how it makes my mouth water to the point where I just have to bite you. I miss how you never mind that. I miss you sticking your knuckle in my mouth for me to bite on when I have road rage, or when I'm hungry. I miss when I bite too hard and you say "ow" and pull your hand away and make that scared face. I miss making faces at you all day. I miss your warm hugs and holding your hand. I miss you rubbing my face when I'm stressed out. I miss your forehead kisses. I miss your encouraging hand squeezes.

I miss you holding the door open in women's restrooms and watching me cause you know the hand dryer scares me. I miss you pulling me away from things you know I dont need to buy. I miss sharing Hazelnut Toffee Mocha's from Seattles Best with you. I miss sharing soup and soda with you at Panera Bread. I miss sending you millions of Wicked videos from YouTube and watching them with you. I miss singing to Wicked with you. I miss singing with you in general. I miss your good morning phone calls and the songs you sing me while I'm waking up. I miss your cheerful "Hi baby!" when I pick up the phone. I miss you falling asleep on AIM while I'm still talking. I miss you playing your PSP way too loud in the car. I miss you driving me around. I miss how you always have to hold my hand while you drive.

I hate that we've been apart from each other for this long. I hate how far you are from me. I hate the days I walk in my room and smell you. I hate the times I bite my lip and taste your kiss. I hate getting in my car knowing you wont be joining me soon and I wont be getting a "good morning baby" hug.

I want to wrap myself in you and just sleep. I want the the its-just-you-and-me-here feeling again. I want you home. I want you here with me, right now. I want you to never leave me again.

I miss you so much and I try so hard to push it away and to just forget about it. I drown myself in "work" so avoid thinking about how you're not here today or tomorrow or next week. I'm constantly moving cause being idle reminds me I cant pick up the phone and call you about my new idea's or accomplishments or projects. I'm so set on doing something to make you proud when I see you again. And I've got a lot of things I'm working on, and yet none of them make me feel proud. I'm excited for some of them, but I just really wish you were here to work on them with me. Like you always do.

It feels like we've been apart forever. It feels like I wont see you for another forever. Its just a few more weeks, we're half way done. I cant wait until you come home. I cant wait until I get to show you my projects and I cant wait to show you your surprise gift. I hope you like it. And I hope you like my new projects, its not jewelry but I think you'd be happy to know I'm working on something I've always had a passion for over something I just started.

I know its hard for you to push yourself without me. I know its hard for you to keep your head on right without me with you. Its hard for both of us, but you're pushing yourself as far as you can and I havent been, and I should. Its not fair for you to and for me to sit here and mope. So the next few weeks, I'll be pushing myself as hard as you're pushing yourself.

I cant wait to see you again.

Earlyyy phone call!

I got several phone calls from Martin this morning to contact our teachers for him. He woke me up at 8:15AM, I was unaware of the time... just happy he called. So I grabbed the numbers and contacted them. Fell back to sleep and he called again, I gave him the info. We talked for a little bit. He's sick with flu-like symptoms :( told him about the sponsorship he said he called his dad prior to calling me and he told him. Its good he called his parents :) and... I dont remember what else. Went back to sleep. He called me again to ask for their more information, so I called the school again and gave him the information. Asked if Marissa was suppose to wear a dress or a tux for the wedding. He said it was up to her. If she wants to wear a dress she can. Went back to sleep. He called again for something, I dont remember at this point lol!

Finally just got up and I was working on my Wicked site and he called again just to say thank you really quick (people were waiting to use the phone so I guess they got to call home today). I told him my page rates went up and he cracked saying that he was proud of me :) my poor baber! I told him to be good and good luck on his test and he'll be fine, to just let his shin heal and not hurt himself. I'd rather he be fully healed before he does his test then test himself before his test and hurt himself again. He told me to tell Boq he loves him, I thought that was cute. I told him he's gonna have to come home and tame him cause he's super jumpy.

Then he called again after saying that the last call was going to be his last call lol. I have two first names and he didnt know if there was a space, hyphen or if it was just one word. I was a little offended, but then I realized that I never really write it out, and when he does see it (like on my email) its usually one word. Which its not, there's a space between them. I gave him a big kiss over the phone and he laughed. I'm glad I got him to smile, I tried to sound super cheerful for him.

I miss him so much. And if I miss him this much, I wonder how much he misses me. Its easier for me because I'm still at home where its familiar where as he's not. I try to send him as many kisses over the phone or on my letters as I can. Even if I just kiss the paper and I draw an arrow saying "I kissed it right there for you" lol. Whatever works, right?!

Just a few more weeks left. I cant believe we're half way done! Time flew by. The next few weeks (starting next week) is going to be super busy. So I need to get a lot done this week (mostly cleaning cause this room is in serious need of being cleaned). And updating my blogs so I have a few days to walk away from it and get other things done.

And nowwwwww.... back to work!

Happily groggy.

I'm groggy. Someone woke me up this morning... MY BOO LOVES!!! :D

He called cause I was taking too long to mail out the graduation paper. He sounded a little bit mad at me, but I didnt snap back at him cause its really not that important and I was too happy he was on the phone (see, sometimes distance can be a good thing. Had he had been home, he woulda got the yelling of a lifetime). Once that was out of the way, we got to talk for a bit. Told him all my Wicked news, that mom bought me a hamster and I named him Boq and he laughed :D he liked the name hehe. Told him I havent been shopping cause I've been wanting to watch Wicked and he softened up. He told me about his shin and how he got physical therapy and they have a test tomorrow but he's excused to have his shin heal up, but at 7 weeks they have a test that determines everything so hopefully he's healed up by then. He's been drinking milk and stuff. He went to a Christian church today instead of the Wicca (Wicca is kinda solo mission thing like he mentioned in his last letter). He got this dog tags :D

What else... there's just so much to say and everything is a blur when you dont know what kind of time limit you're on. I told him everything for the wedding is ordered and I'm waiting for it to ship, asked about if I should do the booking for flight and hotel now or wait, told him about the money... he said he had to pay for clothes and stuff. He told me not to stress, reminded him its me hes talking to lol. Told him I'm trying to get his sponsorship for Thanksgiving.

His school is going to be in Florida and its going to be longer than we thought it would be with his previous job. So that sucks, I cant fly out to Florida all the time... if Texas is a 5hr flight... how long is Florida?! My ears will be really messed up by the time I get there! I've been avoiding NY for the same reason! But he's saying since we're going to be married by then he's going to try to get me to move out there, I kinda dont want to. Especially if its going to be out of our pocket. I dont really know how school works, I hear a lot of mixed things. I know if they have to be there for six months and over then you're able to move out there and they'll cover it, but I think less than six months is all out of pocket. Plus I'm not ready to move away from my family yet :(

I think that was it? He was really emotional :( my poor baby. Reminded him that I believe in him, I wouldnt had let him join the military if I didnt think he could make it. Told him to be good and take care and that he'll be fine. We'll see him in a few weeks. I told him to pass so we can get married and he did his baby "yes" and I know exactly what face he made. He kept saying I love you so much and it was getting harder and harder not to break. Dammit boo loves, can we keep things happy over the phone! It was nice to talk to him again after not talking for almost 2 weeks (2 weeks tomorrow).

He'll be fine. Just a few more weeks left... and it will all be over. And he'll get to come home and we'll get to get married and everything will be fine. Just a few more weeks love. That's all. I believe in you.

I feel so...

I just got two letters from Martin.

I need to get his graduation paper back to him, and I was suppose to mail it off yesterday and I forgot so I have to do it tomorrow so it'll be picked up on Monday.

Ugh, I'm so sad right now I cant even write.

The other letter was about how he went to the ER to get X-Rays for his shins. He's flat footed so its messing up his shin's and he said that they said they were close to being fractured and now he has to take pain killers and start drinking milk (with the already close to no time he has to eat). He has a waiver for something about self paced exercising or something. His next evaluation is some time this month and he might get medically discharged. I dont think its fair that they discharge him just because hes flat footed theres a lot of other people in the military who are flat footed as well. So I hope he doesnt get discharged.

I feel so... I dont know... sad.

I'm spending all this time setting things for a wedding that might not even happen. And I feel like giving up. I cant do anything to make this better, I cant encourage him from where I am, I cant help him. He has to do this on his own. I feel so bad for even questioning if he'll pass and I feel bad that I'm sad about it cause its like saying I dont believe in him. And I do, but I dont know. I'm just worried.

I'm just so sick of every letter being bad news, you know? I know it wasnt going to be easy and I know hes struggling but I didnt think every letter was going to be depressing. I'm almost tempted to not read anymore letters from him. But I know that would be wrong of me. I guess I'm just use to taking over when he needs help with things, and I cant this time. I cant away his worries, I cant take away his problems, I cant fix them this time. He's on his own.

And this is what it was about. Growing up on our own for awhile, not holding each other's hand. Gaining independence while we're away from each other.

I just want things to be okay.

Basic Training pay.

When Martin had enlisted into the Air Force, one of the questions we were concerned about was if he was going to be paid during Basic Training. We had thought of freezing his accounts, but with such short notice (under a month before he had to leave) we didnt know if we should even bother trying. So we figured if he was paid during Basic, everything should be fine. And the recruiter assured us that he would be getting paid during Basic.

Typically they get paid every two weeks, so I figure that would work out as far as getting the bills paid and being able to save up for the wedding.

Well, the day he was suppose to get his first pay, he didnt get it. It landed on the weekend and after Googling it, they said that if the pay date should fall on a weekend or holiday it would be paid the following weekday. So I wait for Monday to roll by and still no pay. So I turn to yahoo answers which probably wasnt the best idea I've ever had since we all know, no one on yahoo answers is actually helpful.

Anyway, I find out that his first actual pay could take 4-8 weeks to arrive, which puts me in a panic because of the wedding. I need to pay a down payment to both the chapel and the reception obviously at least two or so weeks before the wedding. Not to mention get everyone else to book their rooms with our promo code and people usually need a few weeks to request it off work. So, with the time frame I have and not knowing when his pay will arrive (I'm getting a lot of the beginning of next month, which eases me slightly), I dont know how this will work out. And as always its up to me to make it work out.

Not to mention how impossible it is to get into contact with him considering he's in Basic and the only card that he has that I would be able to charge everything to, is not under my name. Now I regret arguing with him about not wanting to be on that card.

It just sucks, everything happened in the span of 3 months. Him considering, him leaving, the engagement, the wedding, everything. Is just crammed into 3 months. I would assume I'd be more stressed out than I am at the moment, but I've felt a lot better since I found my dress. Everything will work out, it has to.

Now you could say well why dont you pay for it and I can pay for his bills if I absolutely need to, but again they are his bills. With his debt, I have my own debt to worry about and the recruiter told us this wouldnt be a problem. But as far as the wedding goes, I dont have enough to pay for that. The bills I can cover, the wedding, I can not.

And keep in mind, I dont mind if we have to wait until his R&R to get married. Its him who wants to get married as soon as possible so I can go with him to Tech School. I mean I would like to get married as soon as possible as well, but if we have to wait, I wont mind.

My Greatest Adventure.

I saw this on someone's Tumblr and got sad. Martin wrote me a letter in the car before he left for Basic Training and it said:

Without you I would had never experienced these things. But guess what! Now its my turn to take you on an adventure. For six or so years. Thank you for being the best adventure babe.

I miss him so much =(.

A new month!

Hellooooooooooo November!

I'm excited for November for the following reasons:

• Aerie free gift (if you're on their A-List)
• Godiva free chocolate (if you're part of their membership program)
• The Marvelous Land of Oz comic book releases this month (part II)
• Seeing Wicked for the third time this month!
• I get my dress at the end of the month
• One month closer to seeing my boo loves!!!

Oh yah, and New Moon comes out (obviously its not high on my excited for list). I have a few things to get done before November ends since November is the last month I'll have any kind of free time. December is going to be insane and busy. I was going to list the reasons why but I thought it was violation of OPSEC so I deleted it. Of course those details will be posted on the LiveJournal though. Blogger really needs to get on some privacy settings with certain entries! Goodness. But December will be extremely busy. Everything is week after week. I have about four days between huge event 1 and Martin coming home for the holidays. Then about a week between him coming home and the wedding. So yes, you can imagine just how busy I'll be in December.

I'm so excited to finally be able to see him soon. I miss him so much. I'm not a huge fan of Sundays since 1) you dont get mail so that means no letters 2) I dont get phone call's on Sunday. Contrary to everyone else who does. I usually get phone call's on Monday. Though I know they can be pretty random. So I'm hoping for a phone call tomorrow... and as much as I say "oh I'm not going to count on it" you know I am. I mailed off 3 letters today and I'll be mailing off 2 more tomorrow. Its hard to talk through letters since I need some questions answered regarding the wedding and sometimes those questions go unanswered since there's just too much to say in one letter. But I dont really want to spend the only 10 minutes we have per call to talk about wedding details you know?

I got a letter yesterday and it was less depressing than his last letter. Thank goodness. He got me a gift from the Wiccan church and I cant wait to see it! And know how his Wiccan church thing today went.

I have some people from Etsy sending me samples of their soaps for my wedding favors. So hopefully I get those in next week so I can pick and choose which ones I'll be ordering and have that part down so all I'll have to worry about is the packaging for the soaps. Still trying to figure out the bouquet details. Havent gone to Party City yet but I will be later this week. Hopefully by the time I go, I'll get a more solid answer on the date. And... yep!

Found my wedding dress!!

Good news, I FOUND MY WEDDING DRESS!!!

I was in love with this dress that I tried on at the first bridal store I went to but it didnt come in blue, at all. It came in a baby blue but no dark blues... so I was bummed. I'm completelysmitten with that dress. I demand my sister in law has a red wedding so I can buy that dress (lucky for me, she agreed. she likes that dress too)! I had one written down that I saw from a website and I was trying on dresses similar to the one I was in love with, and surprisingly one of the ones I wishlisted they had a sample of. So I tried that on. It wasnt as lovely as the original one I wanted but its really really nice. It doesnt have a train or a long sash (which is what I kinda wanted but its kinda no big deal) but it does have that fanning out thing in the back. And its gorgeous. I got a shaw thing to go with it, I'm insecure when it comes to showing my shoulders and I got my shoes. All of a little over $300. Oh I'm so excited! We also got the table decor for $44! Michaels was having a sale, so thank goodness for that! How we're going to get it to Las Vegas without the glass shattering, I have no idea... but we'll figure something out! I really hope Martin likes my dress and the decor. Marissa will be in charge of setting up the tables if I dont come back in time since she is the one who thought of the decor in the first place!

I'm lucky to have such a helpful sister in law!

So I was pretty happy yesterday since we got a lot done, I'm just bummed I couldnt find my candle. We also got the bubbles for the wedding, we just need to get the ribbons for them now. And the invites.

I also got 4 letters from Martin yesterday. Well 3 and some paper work for his graduation. I was pretty excited but when I read them... they were really sad. All of them were. It broke my heart. I know its hard for him out there, but I didnt expect it to be this hard. He's so much stronger than that, I dont know why hes not acting like it. I know its hard for him to be away from me and to do things on his own for once, but he has to do this. I guess its just a little easier for me to be on my own cause prior to being with him, I was on my own already. So with him leaving its just like "oh, back to this" where as for him, its something completely new. I hope he graduates on time and I hope hes right about his break dates cause that means I'll get the date I wantand he'll be home for Christmas.

I wish so much I could just run over there and give him a hug and a kiss and tell him I believe in him and that he can do this. And stop being a doober face about it. But I cant. I'm here, he's there, and I feel so helpless being so far away and not being able to make it better. His last letter was really really sad. I feel so bad for him. I hope things are better now. He told me about the Wiccan church, and I'm a little jealous. We call our happy place "home". My home is curled up on his lap (like a cat, literally) and his home is laying on my lap and they told them to go to their happy place and he was talking about how real it felt. Like he could touch me and he could smell me and I'm a little jealous! I'm running off memories here! But he told me it was fun, there's more to it, but I'm sure no ones really interested to know what Wiccans do plus it sounds cultish lol. I'm also a little jealous he gets to go to Wiccan church lol.

I'm a little down today because of the letter, I'm hoping the next ones wont be so sad. My friend (who went in before him) already warned me that the first three weeks will be depressing, it gets better after that. I hope she's right.

Two months left.

Today marks two months until our wedding. Hopefully.

And nothing is done. SURPRISE! Not really.

I think I'm getting sick. I was sneezy all day yesterday and I went to bed with a runny nose, then this morning I woke up (thanks to a phone call from a bridal store I called yesterday) at 10AM with a stuffed up nose. Not good. And even now, at 5:17PM I feel like crap and all I wanna do is take a nap!

I really hope I find a dress tomorrow, its kinda my last-ish hope. There isnt much time left and I really really really need to find a dress... soon. Unfortunately the dress I wanted doesnt come out til January 2010. I know, lovely right? I wasnt aware until I called the bridal shop to see if it was in stock. Unhappy? Oh yes. Spent a bunch of time yesterday calling buffets in Vegas. I wanted to change it to the Wynn (all you can eat Gelato!) but their rules are different from everywhere elses, so I decided against it. I think I'll stick with MGM, why the heck not. I already know their food is good. Maybe we can dine at the Wynn by ourselves one of the days we're there.

Other than wedding details, I read Sweep: Book of Shadows yesterday. And I finished it in like 3 hours. It was such a good book. I just had to order the next 3! There's, I believe, right now... 14 books in the series. Though I'm not sure. It's about a girl in high school who's introduced to Wicca by the new guy (it had a total Twilight-Edward-and-Bella opening) and she's a blood witch but doesnt know it. And the book was kinda like, describing my life (at this moment) lol. Probably why I was so hooked on it. I'm thinking of making a blog dedicated to books. But I already have so many blogs that I dont know if that would be a good idea. Blah.

Havent gotten any letters or phone call's since two days ago, wow its only been two days? It feels much longer than that lol! Jazi was telling me that after three weeks everything should be better, so I'm hoping she's right. A few more weeks til his graduation so that's pretty exciting. I dont know if I should book everything now or wait til next month. I hope to hear from him soon *sigh*.

It's almost over... just a few more weeks...

Phone call.

Surprisingly I got my phone call. Right after I read his letters. Eight minutes wasnt enough, I blanked out during the call. And now that he's hung up, I remember everything I wanted to say. He told me the bases he got to choose from, but I didnt really understand what he meant. The reception there sucks (or maybe its just his phone). But I'm glad I got to hear from him. I just wish every phone call didnt end in tears.

=(

Letters!!!!!!!

I got 2 three page letters from Martin today!!! And I got his graduation info. Yay! Does that mean I can book the hotel now? And the plane tickets? I'm excited!

He's doing good, which is good. He said he was going to write to me every night which is good cause I've been trying to not write him every night. Someone said if they get too many letters they could get in trouble but he said I can write every day if I want cause they get mail call every night. He said his first run was 18 minutes (I think they're suppose to do it in 12) and he was last coming in and everyone was saying "airforce failure" that made me sad. He'll get better, I know he will. He hasnt worked out in a while, so it'll take awhile for him to get it all back. I'm sure by now (I think he wrote that letter last week) he's got it down. It doesnt take that long for him to bounce back.

He also said he was the only one who didnt get a bump on his booty from the booty shot they get lol! Oh and... hes making his own bed. I know its required, but still, it amazes me. I wonder if he'll be making beds when he gets home. It would be amazing if he did! I swear, I was crying the entire time I was reading his letters :(

He mentioned that he wanted Olive Garden (Olive Garden is my favorite restaurant but he hates that place) and then he goes "or maybe I just wanna be with you". And hes always like that, he hates Olive Garden but if that's where I'm going to be, he wants to be there with me. He would follow me to the end of the Earth if I decided to go there. I love that about him.

I wish I was as strong as him. I always wish I was as strong as him. He keeps saying how just thinking of me gives him the strength to keep going and not quit. And for me, his absence makes me feel so weak. I always feel so selfish when I think about it.

I did write his address wrong, but he got the letters. At least now that he sent me letters, I know what his address is (its so off from what he told me, wtf lol).

I'm amazed he wrote me three pages, he hates writing. But it looked like he had a lot to say, I'll probably start writing him every night :)

And more dresses...

After browsing theknot.com I found a few more dresses I was interested in. Problem is, they carry it in a store with bad reviews. At least, the store close to me. Good news is, two cities farther is a bridal store that carries the same dresses... with good reviews (yay) so my plan is to try on the dresses at the closer shop and order from the farther. I know, arent I smart? I'm sure my dress size is a 1 but I'm going to double check anyway and see how some of these look on me. I'm on the search for a dress with sleeves, which is pretty hard to find. I hate that I'm super skinny, I feel uncomfortable wearing sleeveless dresses. I would post pictures but there's just wayyy too many of them, so once I narrow it down... I'll be sure to post those pictures!

Got a few more things to work on as far as the wedding goes... and by "a few" I really mean "a lot". So, yeah. Yipee? I'm super thankful my cousin Janice is offering to help, thank goodness! I'm so lost when it comes to this stuff!

I found a great hotel to stay at for his graduation. Yay! I'm excited. I was scared I wouldnt find one! I'm picky when it comes to hotel's.

I'm thinking of making him a graduation gift, but I dont know what to do! I thought of baking him cookies. I already called the airlines and they said as long as its a solid food I'm able to bring it on the plane (how to package them so they dont break is another story). I'm thinking of bringing him 5-10 mini Beef Jerky packs that he likes with me (I'm sure after Basic he'd want them) and I dont know what else! I was thinkin a Build-A-Bear but that might be too girly. I was gonna make him a Goomba (from Mario) charm but that might be too ambitious lol. I dont know though, I just might! I know that'll probably make him more happy than anything. Even if it is just a tiny charm. I was gonna buy him a DSi, but I wanted to wait on that for Christmas. I think I wanna make him something for his graduation cause he always prefers when I make something rather than just buy him something. So yeah, maybe I'll do that.

Still no word from him yet. I already sent out 3 letters (working on my 4th one). No call, no letter, nothin. I know the first 3 weeks are the hardest and you cant really contact people, but man this just... sucks! I swear if I dont get something, anything by early next week I'm gonna scream! I know if he had the choice to call me, he would. So, yeah. I'm just being a baby. I just miss him that's all *sigh*.

Phone Call!

I got my first phone call the other day! But it wasnt long, it was only 6 minutes and he had just called to tell me his address and he had to go.

He tried to slip in "how are you?" and "I love you so much" and I was asking how he was and he sounded like he was starting to tear and he was telling me its hard. I hope hes okay, I know he'll be okay, but I just hope hes okay right now. He's strong, I'm sure he'll be fine. Hes never been away from home by himself before, and I can imagine how hard this is for him. Not only being away from home but not being able to talk to anyone from home either. It must be nerve wrecking.

We all miss him and we're all proud of him. I hope he knows that. We're all thinking of him all the time. I try not to sleep til 2AM cause I know hes waking up around that time. It makes me feel closer to him, in a weird way.

I mailed him a letter the day after he gave me the address. Man, those addresses are complicated! I hope I wrote it down right! People were saying to wait until he writes or something just to make sure that its right. I couldnt wait that long. I hate not having contact with him! Hopefully he gets it soon though and hopefully hes able to write back soon.

I miss him so much. I had urges all day yesterday to pick up the phone and call him =(. This is the longest we've gone without talking in the last five years *sigh*.

I hope it brings you bliss.

Me: I hope you're happy. Now that you're choosing this.
Martin: I hope it brings you bliss.
Me: I really hope you get it.
Martin: And you dont live to regret it.
Martin: I hope you're happy, in the end.
Me: I hope you're happy.
Me & Martin: My friend.


Yes, we sang a part of Defying Gravity to each other before saying goodbye. Does that make us lame? I dont really care. Its what we do, and it was actually really sad. I love you babe, I'm so proud of you. And I'm so thankful. You're my dream come true too, I'll be here waiting for you to come home. =(